Snakes Will Kill You
by lostlikeme
Summary: Sequel to "The Milk Man." After Jim is bitten by a snake, Dwight offers to suck the venom from his thigh while Pam watches.


There's just enough sunlight left for Dwight to gather the necessary firewood to last the night. He wanted to scope out the area for bear tracks and edible mushrooms, but after a detour for what Jim insists was bigfoot, there just isn't enough time. Besides, Dwight already knows what those two idiots are capable of when left alone unsupervised.

This late in the summer it's practically fall; quiet and cool this far upstate. Dwight's arms tighten around the bundle of sticks when a girlish scream pierces the air. In less than ten seconds flat he arrives back at the designated clearing, breathless and wide eyed. Pam is hunched over beside Jim in front of the half-pitched tent. It's pathetic, really.

Dwight drops the sticks next to the firepit before approaching her. "Pam, are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm fine." Pam glances over her shoulder and giggles. "That wasn't me you heard."

Dwight sucks his teeth. "I should have known." He steps around her and eases into a squat so he can meet Jim's eyes. "What's the situation?"

Jim winces from where he's sitting with one bent knee, palms pressed against his thigh. "I got bit by a snake," he admits after much deliberation. "But I don't think it was poisonous."

"Of course not," Dwight snaps. "Snakes aren't fruit Jim, they can't be poisonous. Snakes can only be venomous, stupid." He glances around the clearing for any sign of the little bastard but comes up short. "What color was it? Was it striped?"

Jim swallows, adam's apple bobbing. "Definitely striped, at least three colors."

At this point, he's starting to hope it's another prank. "Which colors?" Dwight clenches his jaw. "I need you to remember the colors exactly and in which order they went. Red touches black, safe for Jack. Red touches yellow will kill a fellow!"

A bead of perspiration trickles down Jim's brow. "I don't know! Red and black and orange, maybe?"

"Orange, maybe? This information is imperative! It could very well be a life or death situation." He gives up when Jim screws his eyes shut, and shifts his attention to Pam. "Did you see the snake?"

"Definitely." She's surprisingly calm for a woman who might be well on her way to becoming a widow. "I think Jim is right, red, yellow, and black."

Jim looks flabbergasted. "You weren't even here when it happened!"

"Babe, don't you remember I was still setting up the tent? I think I would remember not seeing a snake. It went red, black, yellow, red, black, yellow."

"What? You were on the phone with CC!"

Pam makes a face. "I can still use my eyes when I'm on the phone."

Dwight raises his eyebrows and shakes his head with a sigh. "He's becoming delirious, someone has to suck out the venom before it reaches his heart."

"Or!" Jim reminds him. "We could go to the hospital."

Dwight glances to his watch. "The closest hospital is thirty-two minutes away, without traffic. You really think we're going to make it during the height of rush hour?" Dwight turns back to Pam and lowers his voice. "What's up with his obsession with hospitals? Has he always been like this?"

Pam shrugs. "I think he has a crush on one of the nurses."

Jim hisses and tries to apply more pressure. "That is not true!"

Dwight almost laughs. "You dog."

The sky is beginning to darken above them; they're way behind schedule. "Oh, just let him do it."

There's a suspicious lack of urgency behind the words, but Dwight isn't willing to take any chances. When it comes to snakes, you're better off safe than dead in the middle of the forest, convulsing in the underbrush.

Jim remains stubborn. "That's crazy!"

Dwight frowns. "Actually, you're the one being crazy right now." He clasps a hand on Jim's shoulder. "Listen, I want you to know that if you don't make it...I'll take care of Pam and the kids." 

"What? No way!"

Pam settles onto a tree stump. "Oh come on, he's so good with CC."

Dwight scowls. "If you would just let me get a look at it - "

"I'm not gonna just pull down my pants out here in the middle of nowhere and -" 

Dwight unsheathes the dagger strapped to his hip and touches his other hand to Jim's kneecap. "No need."

Jim lifts his hands with trepidation and Dwight swoops in to cut through the fabric with equal parts precision and speed. The puncture wounds underneath are still leaking, puffy and surrounded by blood. Dwight pushes Jim's leg back before ducking down to press his mouth to the skin, forcing Jim to lean back on his elbows.

Pam coughs beside them while Dwight tongues the wound, lips sealed around affected area. The blood flows freely as he sucks, careful not to swallow. Somewhere in the back of his head, he can hear Michael Scott echoing that's what she said. Dwight can feel a powerful heat between Jim's legs as he pulls out the venom.

Pam gasps; the first to notice. "Oh my god, Jim."

His voice splits like an axe through wood. "What?"

Dwight pulls back to spit in the dirt. "Enjoying yourself much?"

The sight of his own tented trousers seems to come as a shock. Jim adjusts the crotch of his pants before crossing his legs, curling forward to hide the evidence.

"It's was an involuntary reaction!"

"Yeah, right. If you're going to lie, at least put some effort in it."

Pam hesitantly delivers her confessional while Dwight is still rinsing out his mouth with water from the canteen.

"You know what...now that I think about it, maybe the snake was orange and red and black."

"Dammit Pam!"


End file.
